To “Celebrate” this weeks Republican National Convention in Cleveland, I decided to take some time and analyze some of the speakers.

The speakers list is a veritable “Who’s Who of Who Cares?” On the RNC website they describe them as “unconventional speakers with real world experience.”

First off, let’s take a brief look at some of those who are NOT going to be there. The Republican Parties last two Presidential Nominees (McCain and Romney). Both Presidents Bush and the Republican governor of Ohio (former candidate John Kasich). The Party establishment, it seems, wants to avoid this circus like the plague.

What has that gotten them. Well, for starters, a mad scramble to find ANYONE willing to speak on stage in support of Donald Trump.The speakers list reads more like the Alternate Guest’s list at your cousin’s wedding, than a strong showing of support for The Donald!

Not only are the speakers leaving much to be desired, there are some other issues looming over the Convention. For starters, there’s the incessant rumor that the Republican Establishment are going to try to pull the rug from under Trump. Convincing Delegates, political maneuvering, and intrigue all make for an exciting time, sure. But is the Republican Party really organized and ballsy enough to try something like this during the week?

There is also the matter of security. If I were a Secret Service Agent in Cleveland right now, I couldn’t imagine how uptight I would be. We all know how rabid the average Republican is about the 2nd Amendment and Open Carry. Now imagine concentrating a few thousand die hards in one place! Add in an element of the assorted hate groups (KKK, Neo-Nazi groups, White Supremacists, etc.) that seem to be naturally attracted to Trump Events, and you might just have added the lit fuse to the barrel of gunpowder. Now, the Police have, smartly, asked that Open Carry (of which, Ohio is an open-carry state) be suspended for the convention. Hopefully, calmer heads prevail and we see this happen. If not, the results may be less entertaining than tragic!

Violent Pro-Trump Neo-Nazis to Crash GOP Convention

Now, onto some speakers. I know I can’t touch on everyone of them here (there’s a lot) so I’ll just focus on a few.

1 “Willie Robertson, CEO of Duck Commander and Buck Commander, star of Duck Dynasty
The star of A&E’s hit series Duck Dynasty, Willie Robertson, is the CEO of Duck Commander and Buck Commander, a New York Times bestselling author, traveling speaker, father of five, and an avid outdoorsman. “

Why? What does this guy know about politics?Business, maybe, but politics.The whole Duck Dynasty Clan are either the shrewdest business people, or biggest group of buffoons in America today.Having made millions off duck calls and a mediocre television “reality” show. I think the only thing these guys see is the amount of money they stand to make when their taxes get cut again!

2 Scott Baio, Actor and Television Producer
Scott Baio is an actor and television producer. He landed his first starring role in the 1976 movie Bugsy Malone and is known for portraying memorable characters on several hit television shows, including Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Charles In Charge. More recently, he has appeared in the Emmy Award-winning show Arrested Development and the Nick at Nite comedy See Dad Run, which he also produces. When he was young, Baio campaigned for Ronald Reagan, and in the 2016 GOP primary, he endorsed presumptive nominee Donald Trump.
Now this is a stretch if I’ve ever seen one. How does a fair to midland actor become a political pundit, then go on to speak at a major Party Convention? I honestly do not know. I do know, Fox “News” loves him, and has him on constantly “analyzing” things. (which basically means calling the President a Muslim, etc.) You might remember, he was our Ass Hat of the Week a few weeks ago. If only this were a week long TV show, and not reality.

3 Antonio Sabato, Jr., Actor Daytime television viewers know actor Antonio Sabato Jr. for his roles on General Hospital and The Bold and the Beautiful. 

WHY? There are no words. I guess now we know who was waiting around the bottom of the barrel.

4 Rudy Giuliani, Former Mayor of New York City
Giuliani was wrapping up his second term in office when New York City was attacked on September 11, 2001. Immediately following the attack, Giuliani coordinated rescue operations that saved as many as 20,000 lives. Because of his strong leadership in the aftermath of September 11th, Americans came to see him as a voice of reassurance and consolation during an uncertain time.

You remember, failed Republican Presidential Candidate from 2012. The noun, 9/11, and a verb guy.

5 Melania Trump, Businesswoman and Wife of Donald Trump
Melania married Donald Trump in January 2005. In March 2006 they had their first child, Barron William Trump.  Born on April 26, 1970 in Slovenia, Melania Knauss began her modeling career at the age of sixteen. At the age of eighteen, she signed with a modeling agency in Milan. After obtaining a degree in design and architecture at University in Slovenia, Melania was jetting between photo shoots in Paris and Milan, finally settling in New York in 1996. Melania is dedicated to helping others, and her generosity has been noted. She was Honorary Chairwoman for Martha Graham Dance Company in April 2005; is an active member of the Police Athletic League which honored her with Woman of the Year 2006; has been an Honorary Chairwoman for The Boy’s Club of New York for five consecutive years; and in 2005, the American Red Cross awarded her with Goodwill Ambassador, which she has proudly served for four years. In April of 2008, Melania was asked by Love Our Children USA and NASDAQ to participate in the Fifth Annual National Love Our Children Day and the beginning of National Child Abuse Prevention month by ringing the closing bell at NASDAQ.  

Why does she get the Tolstoy written biography? I’m serious, very few of the listed speakers have bios that even come close to this. Now I can see this choice, she is the prospective First Lady and all. Hopefully Trump doesn’t divorce her by the end of the week, she might not praise him then.

6 U.S. Senator Joni Ernst (R-Iowa)
U.S. Senator Joni Ernst has dedicated her life to Iowa and her country, having served in the military for over 23 years and now in the United States Senate. In November 2014, Ernst was elected as the first woman to serve in federal elected office from the State of Iowa and also became the first female combat veteran elected to serve in the United States Senate.

You remember, the hog castration lady.

And that was just Day 1!

7 Dana White, President, UFC
Dana White is the president and business visionary behind the success of Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). A self-described political independent, White has expressed his gratitude to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump for helping the UFC succeed. Trump hosted the once-controversial mixed martial arts competitions at his Trump Taj Mahal casino property when other venues shunned the sport.  

Yes, you read that right, the UFC fighting guy! Speaking for, what I guess, will amount to the high praises of Donald because Trump’s hotel hosted UFC events, and he owes him a “favor.”

8 Natalie Gulbis, Golfer, LPGA
Natalie Gulbis is a professional golfer playing on the U.S.-based LPGA tour. The California native has played golf since the age of four and earned second place in Rookie of the Year points during her first year on tour in 2002.  Gulbis starred in the 2005 and 2006 reality show, The Natalie Gulbis Show, which aired on The Golf Channel.  Gulbis wrote a much-talked about piece on entitled “The Donald Trump I Know” in which she voiced her strong support for Donald Trump to become President of the United States.

Because when I need a political opinion, I turn to a golfer. This ranks right up there with going to Tiger Woods for marital advice!

9 Dr. Ben Carson, Neurosurgeon
A candidate for the presidency in this year’s Republican primary, Ben Carson grew up in a poor, single-parent household in Detroit, Michigan. Initially a student earning mediocre grades, his mother encouraged him to read and cultivated his love of learning. Between his degrees, Carson worked as an X-ray technician, a bank teller, a school bus driver, a supervisor for highway cleanup crews, and a crane operator in a steel factory. 

Two things here: 1. Apparently the good Dr. has given himself a frontal lobotomy. Would you speak on behalf of the man that insulted and tried to humiliate you? 2. I believe that the good Dr. might have been inserted here to “slow things down a little.” Seriously, do you remember when he was running and hearing him speak. He’s a narcoleptic’s worse nightmare! They may have to wake the convention hall before the next speaker begins.

10 Kimberlin Brown, Actor
An actress best known for her roles in the television dramas The Young and the Restless and The Bold and the Beautiful, Kimberlin Brown is also a California avocado farmer, host of The Design Network’s interior designer show Dramatic Design, and a small business owner.

Because when I think politics, I always wonder what Soap Opera stars think. What is it about Soap Opera stars that is attracting them to Trump? The drama?

And that’s Day 2.

11 Laura Ingraham, Radio Host
A former white-collar defense attorney and Supreme Court law clerk, Laura Ingraham is the most-listened-to woman on political talk radio. The Laura Ingraham Show is ranked in radio’s Top 10, and heard coast-to-coast in 225 markets.  

Toxic and hateful are the two best words I know to describe this woman.

12 Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker
A candidate in the 2016 Republican presidential primary, Scott Walker is the 45th governor of Wisconsin. He was first elected in 2010 and re-elected to a second term in 2014. Upon taking office, Walker proposed bold reforms that eliminated Wisconsin’s $3.6 billion budget deficit without raising taxes. During his tenure in office, Walker has taken on public-sector labor unions, signing a bill to limit public employee collective bargaining and winning a recall election over the issue. 

Another of Trump’s former rivals whom I don’t understand why he is speaking on behalf of Trump. (The bio, by the way, is full of it.)

13 U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida)
U.S. Senator Marco Rubio was a candidate in the 2016 Republican presidential primary. The son of Cuban immigrants who came to America in 1956, Rubio has spent most of his life in West Miami, Florida, leaving only for a six-year period when his parents moved their family to Las Vegas, Nevada. In 2010, Rubio ran for the U.S. Senate. During his term, he has championed efforts to restore the American Dream: Social Security and Medicare reform, greater access to affordable higher education, the revitalization of America’s military, efforts to grow the economy, and the empowerment of states and their citizens in the fight against poverty.

See # 12. Also, I certainly hope this speech doesn’t require him to constantly injest water.

14 U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas)
U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, a candidate in the 2016 Republican presidential primary, won election to the United States Senate in 2012, where he represents the state of Texas. During his tenure in office, Cruz has led the fight to repeal Obamacare, to stop President Obama’s executive amnesty, and to defend life, marriage, and the U.S. Constitution.

Again with the #12. And, by all accounts, this guy even creeps Republicans out! I’m still trying to figure out what they mean by “executive amnesty” (unless that’s an attempt to reference immigration) in the bio.

15 Newt & Callista Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House and his wife
A candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, Newt Gingrich is best known as the architect of the Contract with America, the document that led the Republican Party to victory in 1994 by capturing the majority in the U.S. House of Representatives for the first time in 40 years. Callista Gingrich is the president of Gingrich Productions, a multimedia production company based in Washington, D.C. She and her husband host and produce historical and public policy documentaries.

I can’t say much about his wife, I’m not familiar with her. However, Newt, if you remember, is a champion of family values. So much so, he led the efforts to Impeach Bill Clinton over the Lewinsky affair. Just one small thing I’m sure he won’t mention, all the while he was doing this, he too was having an affair.

16 Indiana Governor Mike Pence, Presumptive candidate for Vice President
Mike Pence was elected the 50th Governor of the State of Indiana in 2012. Since taking office, Pence has achieved the largest state tax cut in Indiana history while also lowering the business personal property tax and corporate income tax to attract new investment and bring more jobs to Indiana.  He is the presumptive candidate for Vice President for Donald Trump.

I’m going to eviscerate this guy later. For now, lets just say he denies climate change, wants to roll back women’s rights, and really, really hates gay people.

That’s Day 3, excited yet?

17 Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University and evangelical leader
Jerry Falwell, Jr. is currently serving as the President of Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, appointed in 2007 after the death of his father, Jerry Falwell, Sr.  Falwell attended Liberty University himself after which he earned his J.D. from the University of Virginia Law School. During his career he has worked in private practice and served as General Counsel for his father’s entities.  Falwell is an evangelical leader and a proven Republican who stands up for America’s faith and liberties.

So much for the separation of church and state.

18 Brock Mealer, Motivational Speaker
Brock Mealer is a walking miracle. After suffering a spinal cord injury on Christmas Eve of 2007, he was told he had a one percent chance he would ever walk again.  Mealer’s story struck the hearts of millions of Americans. He sustained his injury in a car crash just five minutes away from his home. While his brother, an offensive lineman headed to the University of Michigan to play football, was able to free Brock from the wreckage, the two brothers lost their father, David, and Elliot’s girlfriend, Hollis Richer, in the crash.  Today, Brock has conquered the odds and is able to walk again. He now shares his story with many, inspiring those he meets to join the one percent.

(Note, out of order) Motivational Speaker, makes sense. People will be tired and in need of that by this point. The reason I mention this speaker (whom I’ve never heard of) is the last line in the bio. Which 1% are they talking about. Or are they not even trying to hide who they cater to (and serve)?

19 The Trump Children

All four of the children are speaking at some point during the RNC. I decided to lump them all together though. I imagine they will all say nice things about their Dad. One of those things is likely to be how great at business he is. I suppose four business bankruptcies and several failed ventures (Trump Steak anyone?) and some under investigation for fraud (Trump U), if that makes you a success, then there are a lot more successful people than I thought. Ivanka will be introducing her dad on night four.

20 Donald J. Trump, Republican presumptive candidate for President of the United States

I would like to propose a drinking game. Every time Trump says something great about himself, take a drink. Make sure what you’re drinking is not that strong though, or it’s likely to be a long night for you!

This is likely to go down in history as one of the most self-congratulatory speeches in history. I wonder if he’ll use a teleprompter or not? For those of you watching, good luck!

And that concludes day 4 and the Convention.

That also concludes my summary of the 20 most eye catching, nausea inducing, and unqualified speakers at the RNC this week. I hope you enjoyed it. You can intensify your dismay and check out the full list on the RNC website. The list includes many minor legislators, even more minor celebrities, rich business people, veterans, etc.Although too many to name, I’m sure you can browse through it and pick up the common theme.

Before I go, one more thing. Their convention theme is “Make America Great Again.” I propose changing it to something more in line with its actual purpose: “Make American Republicans Stomach Donal Trump This Time!”